Thursday, January 5, 2012

No longer human.


I came to know of this story through an anime called Aoi bungaku. As usual, my attraction towards the darker elements of life made me desperately want to read the original.


No Longer Human  is considered Dazai's masterpiece and ranks as the second-best selling novel in Japan, behind Natsume Sōseki's KokoroMike Lew has praised the book for expressing male sexual trauma.
No Longer Human tells the story of a young man who has felt since childhood utterly alien from others around him. Since that time he has learned to put on a face to hide his alienation. He feels incapable of belonging to the human society, especially so by society's refusal to take him seriously. He then follows a descent into alcohol, drugs, and suicide.
It is an extremely dark and tragic story. But it also contains one of the most honest and stark monologues I have ever read. 
"I could never think of prostitutes as human beings or even as women. They seemed more like imbeciles or lunatics. But in their arms I felt absolute serenity. I could sleep normally. It was pathetic how utterly devoid of greed they really were. And perhaps because they felt for one something like an affinity for their kind, these prostitutes always showed me a natural friendliness which never became oppressive. Friendliness with no ulterior motive, friendliness stripped of high-pressure salesmanship, for someone who might never come again. Some nights I saw these imbecile, lunatic prostitutes with the halo of Mary."

The story is divided into three notebooks written by the protagonist Oba Yozo. The main character, is gray. At time one could easily identify with, sometimes you felt pity for him, sometimes you genuinely hope that he can find happiness and some other times you hate him and wish he could be less passive and weak. The character suffers from  complex post-traumatic disorder, making him feel he is a failure as a human being. But is he to blame? Or is it the society? His family who failed to help as he faltered? Is it the fault of his friend who introduced him to the pleasures of alcoholic stupor? The character honestly records in the story not only his own failure but also the society's, which condemns him as a failure.
"I am convinced that human life is filled with many pure, happy, serene examples of insincerity, truly splendid of their kind"
From his childhood itself, he faces intense alienation. He has an overbearingly dominating father, suffers abuse at the hands of the servants, and learns to wear a mask of buffoonery to hide the battle that raged inside him. He perfects his mask to such an extent that even when he expresses his need for help by reciting from the Rubiyat:
"And that inverted Bowl we call The Sky
Where under crawling coop'd we live and die
Lift not your hands to It for help- for It 
As impotently rolls as you or I"
he is never taken seriously.  He joins underground Marxist movements because he felt "An attraction for its odor for irrationality" and he "felt so much more relaxed in this irrational world than in the world of rational gentlemen that I was able to do what was expected of me in a "sound manner"
Over time he experiences several tragic incidents and turns to self destruction.
The story  is believed to be semi-autobiographical in nature. Dazai took his own life shortly after publishing the last part of the book.
The author keeps asking the reader, what is it that makes us human? But instead than being depressing I would say that the book reflects life, most of the time too clearly for comfort.



Saturday, December 24, 2011

Mess being off, I went on another round of loitering in search of food. Feeling gloomy, I went to Chedi's for a Tinku (a nice spicy and juicy egg burger). But what I saw only added to my gloom. The shop was closed. Having only Rs. 35 in my pockets, I couldnt afford to eat something fancy to dispel the gloom. I headed towards Billoo's and ordered for an aloo paratha.

I chose the chair farthest from everybody else, sat and decided to stare at the light-studded tree till the time I could stare at my food.

Ten minutes were over and no food had arrived. My order number was 16, and number 13 was the last to be served. Reluctantly I glanced over the other side of humanity. I saw the owner of the shop missing. He was talking to the men in the kitchen and pointing at my direction with his head.

Within three minutes, a man came with a plate in his hand. With my aloo paratha. I smiled at the man, but not for too long; and pounced upon the paratha.

It was kind of you Mr. shopkeeper.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Somebody else's poem for a change

Friday, December 9, 2011

These few months have been a kind of strings of  painful eyeopeners for me. I realised that I had been purposefully numbing myself and unleashing it all out upon myself. I wanted to avoid looking so that I could be able to see properly sometime. Well I guess I am seeing properly now, maybe.

I have realised that strength can sometimes become a double-edged sword. If it could really be called strength. Is there strength in silence? Is there strength in pretending to keep living as if nothing ever happened? That strategy can only go so far. You cannot keep running away forever. Most certainly not from yourself.

What do you do when nothing you do can retain the torrential acid flood of negative memories keep seeping and searing through your brain?

I used to think that I was a strong person. I could face anything. I just needed to have faith in myself. And somehow, I couldnt see that I was actually destroying myself. Well, I could see, but I believed whatever I did to myself would not really affect me. Or may be I couldnt care less what happened. Because it some how kept me sane, kept me going through, kept me capable of dealing with the day to day life. It helped me keep myself numb to whatever was going on the inside. It seems pretty insane now, but then, that was all that made sense. Scarily enough, it still makes sense.

I had been strong enough to destroy myself in one go, without even knowing it. My faith in me has taken a blow. But what I need now is a strength strong enough to hold myself back. Even if it means to become weaker in some ways.

After all, I have come face to face with this brutal truth that I have no one but myself.  A person with no helmet cannot afford to throw hammers at his own head.

I probably needed this self inflicted slap to wake up, to pick up my guts to really deal with what was wrong, instead of denying it away.

My life doesnt make sense to me still. Long time ago, I had struggled to find a reason to keep on living. There is no sense in living if you dont have one, isnt it? At least it seems so to me. I sometimes slip back into that searching mode, and I feel it probably would have been better if well I never existed in the first place.  Its scary, to feel there is no need for me to live at all. Its scary to know that the dreams from which you derive peace, should actually be nightmares.

But even though my life doesnt have a meaning, I will have to find that meaning. And if I dont find it, I will have to give my life a meaning.

It has to make sense.


Friday, December 2, 2011

Red ribbons upon a stitch 
Melancholia, is my switch 


Empty vessel, a clockwork mime 
Stranded in land of the blind 
Drawn by loose ends of time 
Over and over, and over I find 


 Red ribbons upon a stitch 
 Melancholia, is my switch



Monday, September 5, 2011

Endless night

Give me all the darkness you can
But do not promise me light
I can take it all, Lord
But your glimmer takes away my sight.

Broken, bent, but standing
That's all in my might
Do not be so cruel oh Lord
Have pity on my plight.

These bones dont seem to last
Soul craves for the flight
Do not promise me the sun, oh Lord
In my endless night.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Poison ivies cling to your mind
Bearing venomous but irresistible, red fruits
Where the fiery pink snake darts
Among the garden of eden
But I aint either a-going to heaven
So, meet you in hell
Beeches.
 
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