Today I painted with my blood. I wonder if other artists have been tempted to do that. Made me feel calm. Temporarily. Everything is temporary. Except this unending pain from the tentacled clot that has gripped my innards and keeps twisting them, all the time.

I just keep discovering new levels of messed-upness. I dont know what to do about them. Although I was briefly bothered about my sanity, I think I have really given up on doing anything about it. Somehow, giving up on myself makes me feel, at the very least, peaceful. That's good enough, for now.

Its not like I want to give up. I try to chit-chat with people to distract myself from what goes inside. It works most of the times. But the truth is, most of the times, people are really busy. And I see myself spiraling down.

Writing it out, will hopefully, be able to substitute, the need for friends.

Of the bastardly deeds
The eyes were aware
Blinded by faith
They chose, not to care.


Yet, for all the sins 
Of thy vice
This blind fool
Will pay the price.

Oh well, I watched the famous first episode of SMJ. And when everybody is debating how right or wrong our society is in allowing female foeticide, all I could debate on was whether my mother's decision was ultimately right or wrong. People would see not killing me before I was born, to be right... somehow, I cant agree.

Was it really the right thing to do?

That's all I can think of. Probably very selfish of me to think so, but then we don't really have much control our thoughts, do we? At least I am allowed to think.

There are times
when I realize
that Darkness is
my only friend
Its the only one
to understand me

I can let this mask
slip off me
I don't need
to pretend to be happy
I don't need
to put on a smile
I don't need to
think of anything

I let Darkness
wash over me
like a cold sea wave
Within moments
I get lost
in Darkness
I lap it all
Like a thirsty dog.

In the end
all that this
Darkness wants
is me.
There are no walls;
I don't fight against it.
I know
it will consume me.

But that's not
so bad because

Darkness is
the only one
to whom I can turn to
Darkness is
the only thing
to want me
Darkness is
all that I have.

On the tip of a dagger so fine
I want to crush your soul
The way you crushed mine.

Here I go again
On this ride of seething pain
Seasoned with
numbness
dumbness
confusion
and self-destruction

How many times is it now?
Oh, wow, I lost count.