Oh well, I watched the famous first episode of SMJ. And when everybody is debating how right or wrong our society is in allowing female foeticide, all I could debate on was whether my mother's decision was ultimately right or wrong. People would see not killing me before I was born, to be right... somehow, I cant agree.

Was it really the right thing to do?

That's all I can think of. Probably very selfish of me to think so, but then we don't really have much control our thoughts, do we? At least I am allowed to think.

There are times
when I realize
that Darkness is
my only friend
Its the only one
to understand me

I can let this mask
slip off me
I don't need
to pretend to be happy
I don't need
to put on a smile
I don't need to
think of anything

I let Darkness
wash over me
like a cold sea wave
Within moments
I get lost
in Darkness
I lap it all
Like a thirsty dog.

In the end
all that this
Darkness wants
is me.
There are no walls;
I don't fight against it.
I know
it will consume me.

But that's not
so bad because

Darkness is
the only one
to whom I can turn to
Darkness is
the only thing
to want me
Darkness is
all that I have.

On the tip of a dagger so fine
I want to crush your soul
The way you crushed mine.

Here I go again
On this ride of seething pain
Seasoned with
numbness
dumbness
confusion
and self-destruction

How many times is it now?
Oh, wow, I lost count.

People keep telling me, I am not like others. Most certainly not like other girls. Many tell me I am crazy and laugh, while I agree and I laugh it off. Especially when I tell them that I sometimes enjoy watching weird fucked up movies. They give this weird look. Am I ok? I ask myself. Well, at least I am functioning on the outside.

The truth is, I watch such movies to distract myself, to make myself numb, temporarily. After going through such movies, I feel numb on the inside, at least for a few minutes. It gives me such a relief to feel nothing, for a change. And I desperately try to hold on to that numbness, as long as I can. This numb feeling, helps me to hold on to my sanity.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.... oh wait, that's a train coming, right at me.